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Monday, September 17, 2007 Ok so the beginning to the weekend, and the weekend in general were just about pure hell!!Friday I got ripped a new asshole by a co-worker that I never thought had this side to her. Not only that but the whole thing made absolutely no sense to me what soever and left me mouth agape and dumbfounded. When the new ass ripping was over and I stood there stunned I tried to attempt to explain myself as to what she thought I did wrong. She refused to speak to me in anyway shape or form to which I added that if she was going to treat me and speak to me like she did she at least needed to give me a chance to explain myself. This didn't happen....so what did I end up doing, going into the kitchen and crying my eyes out. Why you ask...because this was a co-worker I actually considered a friend and a confidant. Someone who I thought I was on a similar page with who would always treat me with the same respect I treated her with. I spent about 2 hours or more crying about the whole thing and I'm now upset but angry upset. That night we went to one of my favorite restaurants La Vien Rose in Brea for french food and I ordered fish stuffed with king crab, as well as the typical fruit and cheese platter. Everything was great until they brought out the fish and that was it...just the smell made me want to puke...so I ran to the bathroom and did! I came home later and did again. Then had to be up early to be at work on Saturday morning @ 6:45 am with said bitch at work...lucky me. I spent the whole 6-7 hours feeling sick as could be and throwing up. This of course sent the whole office in an uproar of telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked! Went home, slept the rest of the day. (I'm not pregnant btw) Next day work up feeling good and thought it was all over with. Until I ate something...then the neasua (sp), vomiting, dizziness, etc. came rushing back and I was rushed to urgent care. They treated me for my migraine symptoms (which when it was all put together made sense) and sent me on my way with more meds.....I love meds!!!! Today was better and I'm in a bitchy don't fuck with me mood, otherwise I'll kill you and everyone else too. However I have now started to contemplate a few things. Especially since it's getting closer to my wedding. I'm wishing I had more girl friends. I have wonderful girlfriends as it is, and I wish I could see them more, especially Lili....hint hint! However there are the ones that I have known that I miss having around every once in a while. One of them is Brandy, she was always intelligent and blew me away with her kindness and non judgemental attitude. Another is Reyna, someone that I haven't spoken to since I was in high school...she is someone that I look at and wonder who she is now. The other and this may surprise you is Venus. Now we have had our differences and yes I regret some of the things I thought about her, and some of the things I said(which btw 90% of what other people told her I said were made up). I assume that it works the same way with what she "said" about me. Even though I was so viciously attacked by some said friends and even M was (yeah he got thrown into the whole thing too). I still miss the friendship I felt I had with her. I do feel that a lot of it was one sided. I was almost always the one driving out there to see her, paying for food and other things (which was my choice and abusive towards my grandmother) but she would have been someone I would have liked to have at my wedding. Now there are other issues I will not go into because honestly if you want to know you can ask, and if you don't that's fine to. I don't ever expect people to choose sides it's not realistic. I guess that all this ranting is to say that I seriously miss having girl friends that I feel I can trust. Which sadly to say other than Athena, Aussie, Lili, and Maeve I have NEVER had. I don't trust women easily and therefore don't have many female friends. I have come to understand and cope with this aspect of my know it all personality. However it still doesn't stop the sting I feel now and then. As I get older I am learning more and more that what happens between one set of friends stays there and doesn't continue with the other. Things are not gossiped about, nor are they taken so seriously that your life will depend on it. I'm slowly learning that unless put into writing you keep everything confidential said between the two people...that way you can't be accused of being the one to say something. I never agreed with spreading rumors or being malicious as many people have perceived me to me or made others think I was. I regret if I ever came close to living up to those standards...I hope I never have. I truly feel as if I have lost and found myself, and lost myself again in this whole process. I don't know if it's the wedding, the stress from work, the new puppy, or all of the above.....but I feel lost and I want to find myself again. I'm lost within my own mind and world that I've created! Labels: Lost within my own world |
About Myself
I'm a newlywed who got married on March 15,2008.
I'm currently living at home with my mother, husband,
2 dogs, 3 cats, and 5 tortises. We're saving up for
our first how which we'll hopefully buy soon. I'd
love to start our family, but that like everything
comes in it's own time.
I recently lost my father, and am dealing with his
death the best way I know how. Surrounding myself
with the people I love, and enjoying life like he
would have wanted me to.