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Monday, June 13, 2005 I'm warning you now if you don't want to hear about my stupidity with USC don't read further. I'm not writing this for anyone but myself.So this weekend I went up to his place to give him back his stuff. I could no longer live with the constant reminder of the love I have for him. So I packed it up, wrote a sweet but to the point letter and drove up there. In all hopes of actually seeing him in person, and even his kids. However he wasn't there...which I'm figuring is because I wasn't ment to see him. So I called and told him it was there. He didn't hear the message but called because his mother told him I called. I told him I left him the box, and a card for both his sister and mother. He became very cold and angry....said Bye and hung up. I was so consumed with different emotions I didn't know what to do. I wanted to cry, but tell him off. I was both very hurt and confused, as well as very angry with him. Today I called and told his mother I would like to talk to him to make sure he actually found the box. He called later and said he did. We actually talked for a while. It was a good conversation until he admitted to seeing someone currently. I wanted to break down and cry, and inside I was. I held my compusure, finished the conversation, hung up and lost it. I foolishly set myself up for this fall everytime with him, and for some reason I can't give him up. I can't!!! I have tried, but the heart will not do what it doesn't not what to do. My mother seeing that I have yet again put myself on a silver platter for him, had a few choice words to say. Not about him mind you, about how stupid I basically am for doing this to myself. I do agree with her on some level, but this is not what I needed nor wanted right at that moment. I just wanted to be! To just deal with my emotions, feel the hurt, not have someone tell me what a fuck up I am for wanting to believe in a dream. I have had nothing but dreams of my grandmother sitting in a cornor crying. Either that or dreams of USC telling me the things I want to hear. The last few days have pretty much sucked. I fear so much that I have failed and disappointed my grandmother. I just really want this year to end! |
About Myself
I'm a newlywed who got married on March 15,2008.
I'm currently living at home with my mother, husband,
2 dogs, 3 cats, and 5 tortises. We're saving up for
our first how which we'll hopefully buy soon. I'd
love to start our family, but that like everything
comes in it's own time.
I recently lost my father, and am dealing with his
death the best way I know how. Surrounding myself
with the people I love, and enjoying life like he
would have wanted me to.